When working with adult survivors of sexual
abuse, Dr. Bailey follows the model outlined by Ellen Bass
and Laura Davis' in their ground breaking book, The Courage
to Heal (1994). In this book, Bass and Davis describe
three stages a survivor needs to go through in order for healing
to occur. The stages are: 1) Recognizing the damage;
2) Honoring What You Did to Survive; and 3) The
Healing Process.
1) Recognizing the damage means taking stock
of your life currently. Often survivors of sexual abuse
have difficulties in many areas of their life including: self-esteem
and personal power; feelings; your body; intimacy; sexuality;
children and parenting; and family of origin.
In helping you assess where you are currently
in these areas, Bass and Davis ask the following questions:
Self-Esteem and Personal Power
Do you feel that you're bad, dirty, or ashamed?
Do you feel powerless, like a victim?
Do you feel different from other people?
Do you feel there's something wrong with
you deep down inside? That if people really knew you, they'd
leave?
Do you feel self-destructive, suicidal or
that you want to die?
Do you hate yourself?
Do you find it hard to trust your intuition?
Do you feel unable to protect yourself in
dangerous situations? Have you experienced repeated victimization
(rape, assault, battery) as an adult?
Are you afraid to succeed?
Do you feel you need to be perfect?
Do you use work or achievements to compensate
for inadequate feelings in other areas of your life?
Feelings
Do you have trouble expressing your feelings?
Do you value feelings or see them as an indulgence?
Are you comfortable with anger? Sadness?
Happiness? Calmness?
Do you feel confused much of the time?
Do you experience a wide range of emotions
or just a few?
Are you prone to depression, nightmares,
or panic attacks?
Have you ever worried about going crazy?
Have you ever been violent or abusively angry?
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Your Body
Do you have a full range of feelings in your
body? Or do you sometimes go numb?
Are you aware of the messages your body gives
you (hunger, fear, tiredness, pain)? Do you respond to them?
Do you have a hard time loving and accepting
your body? Do you feel at home in it?
Do you have any physical illnesses that you
think might be connected to your abuse?
Do you enjoy using your body in activities
such as dance, sports or hiking?
Have you ever intentionally hurt yourself
or abused your body?
Intimacy
Is it difficult for you to give or receive
nurturing? To be affectionate?
Are you afraid of people? Do you feel alienated
or lonely?
Do you tend to get involved with people who
are inappropriate or unavailable?
Have you ever been involved with someone
who reminds you of your abuser?
Do you often feel taken advantage of?
Do you find your relationships just don't
work out?
Do you have trouble making a commitment?
Do you panic when people get too close?
Do you find you're able to get close to friends,
but can't seem to make things work with a lover?
Do you find yourself clinging to the people
you care about?
Do you repeatedly test people?
Do you expect people to leave you?
Can you say "no?"
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Sexuality
Are you able to stay present when making
love? Do you go through sex numb or in a panic?
Do you try to use sex to meet needs that
aren't sexual? Can you accept nurturing and closeness in
other ways?
Do you find yourself avoiding sex or going
after sex you really don't want? Can you say "no?"
Do you feel your worth is primarily sexual?
Are you sexual with partners who respect
you? Have you ever had partners who sexually abused you?
Have you been a prostitute? Or used your
sexuality in a way that had elements of exploitation?
Do you experience sexual pleasure? Sexual
desire? Do you think pleasure is bad?
Do you ever think sex is disgusting or that
you're disgusting for enjoying it?
Are you turned on by violent, sadistic, or
incestuous fantasies?
Do you find you need to control everything
about sex to feel safe?
Do you ever experience flashbacks to the
abuse?
Do you have sex because you want to, or only
because your partner wants to?
Have you ever been sexually abusive?
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Children and Parenting
Do you feel uncomfortable or frightened around
children?
Have you ever been abusive, or feared you
might be?
Do you find it hard to set clear boundaries
with children? To balance their needs with your own?
Do you have a hard time feeling close to
your children? Are you comfortable being affectionate with
them?
Have you had trouble protecting the children
in your care?
Are you overprotective?
Have you taught your children to protect
themselves? Have you talked to them honestly about sex?
Family of Origin
Are you satisfied with your family relationships?
Or are they strained and difficult?
Is the sexual abuse acknowledged in your
family? Do the people in your family support you?
Do you feel crazy, invalidated, or depressed
whenever you see your family? Have you been rejected by
your family?
Have you confronted your abuser or told other
family members about your abuse?
Do you feel safe when you're with your family?
Do you expect the people in your family to
change? To take care of you? To see your point of view?
To believe you? Do you keep hoping?
Does incest still go on in your family?
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2) Honoring what you did to survive is an
important stage to recognize. Often survivors of sexual
abuse are hard on themselves for the things they did to survive
the abuse and continue to do to forget the abuse.
Part of therapy involves honoring their coping
mechanisms. Examples of coping mechanisms used are: minimizing;
rationalizing; denying; forgetting; splitting; lacking integration;
leaving your body; having to be in control; creating chaos;
spacing out; being super-alert; using humor; being constantly
busy; escaping; engaging in self-mutilation; attempting suicide;
engaging in various addictions (alcohol and other drugs, gambling,
eating, sex, etc.); isolating; developing eating disorders;
lying; stealing; working too hard; using religion to dictate
boundaries.
3) The healing process often involves fourteen
steps, although not everyone has to go through all the
steps in order to heal. The stages of the healing process
are: 1) the decision to heal; 2) the emergency stage; 3) remembering;
4) believing it happened; 5) breaking silence; 6) understanding
that it wasn't your fault; 7) making contact with the child
within; 8) trusting yourself; 9) grieving and mourning; 10)
anger – the backbone of healing; 11) disclosures and
confrontations; 12) forgiveness?; 13) spirituality; and 14)
resolution and moving on.
If you are struggling with these issues, Dr.
Bailey will work with you each step of the way. She will provide
kindness and a safe environment in which to work. She will
teach you how to set appropriate boundaries and how to say
"no." Dr. Bailey will offer support, encouragement, comfort,
education, and consistency as you travel on your journey to
healing and wholeness. Top
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