Dr. Bailey believes that the primary purpose
of relationships is to learn and grow spiritually. Relationships
significantly enhance one's spiritual growth and can also
be a helpful tool for self-empowerment. Marianne Williamson,
in Illuminata, states:
"Relationships are our primary teacher.
They are the context in which we either grow into the consciousness
of God, or deny ourselves and others the opportunity to
do so."
Part of the problem with intimate relationships,
however, is that many of us have been sold a bill of goods.
We have been told, especially as women, that we are not complete,
our life does not have meaning and we are not fulfilled unless
we are in an intimate relationship. The message is clear,
we are not complete in and of ourselves, we need someone to
make us whole.
In many romance novels and romantic movies,
intimate relationships between men and women have been portrayed
in a very unhealthy way. In these novels and movies, women
are desperate to find a man to complete her and take care
of her. The man is looking for someone to rescue and to take
care of. There is also the underlying belief that neither
the man nor the woman is complete unless s/he is partnered
with someone. We are looking for someone to fill our holes,
instead of us working on healing and filling our own holes.
The romantic portrayal of relationships is
a setup for both men and women. In fact, the romantic portrayal
of relationships is a setup for couples, regardless of your
sexual orientation. Looking for someone to take care of us
and to fill our holes, sets up a needy and dependent relationship.
It can also lead to our partner resenting us. As Joan Gatuso
states in her book, A Course in Love, "needy isn't
attractive." She goes on to state:
"Relationships are not about filling your
needs. A needy person is like a human bloodsucker, seeking
nourishment, fulfillment, and completion not in himself
or herself, but in you. It is a draining, damaging, dysfunctional
means of interaction, and it goes on constantly."
In order for us to become empowered and to
heal mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually, we
must shift the way in which we view our relationships, not
just intimate relationships, but all relationships.
Gary Zukav in Seat of the Soul, emphases
that relationships are crucial to our spiritual growth for
they offer us an opportunity to learn about ourselves. He
talks about the archetype of marriage that was set up for
the survival of our species. Now, however, our survival, does
not have to be dependent upon finding someone to provide for
us. Zukav describes the shift that is occurring within our
culture from the archetype of marriage to the archetype of
a spiritual partnership. He describes a spiritual partnership
as a partnership between equals for the purpose of spiritual
growth. Spiritual partners recognize the existence of the
soul and consciously seek to further the evolution of soul.
As a result, each partner becomes more whole, s/he becomes
lighter and the relationships become richer. Zukav also states
that individuals within a spiritual partnership will only
stay in the relationship as long as it serves their spiritual
growth. One can also be in a spiritual partnership with a
same-sex couple. Spiritual partnerships are not limited to
those who are heterosexual.
It is important to note, that a couple could
be legally married and still be in a spiritual partnership,
it's just that they do not adhere to the old paradigm of survival
and the dependency model of the archetype of marriage. Similarly,
if a couple within a spiritual partnership chose to get married,
the woman would not automatically take her husband's last
name. As spiritual partners there is an understanding of the
origins of the woman taking her husband's last name. They
understand that a woman legally had to take her husband's
last name once she married because she was automatically considered
his property, and as such, had no rights. Additionally, she
often completely lost any self identity. This is exemplified
by titles such as, "Mrs. John Smith."
In a spiritual partnership, if a couple elected
to legally marry, there would be an open discussion between
the couple as to what to do about their last name. Perhaps
they would each decide to keep their last names. Perhaps they
would elect to use both their last names and hyphenate them.
Alternatively, the couple could elect to create a new last
name. Or perhaps the husband would decide to take his wife's
last name (or vice versa) because her or his family name would
die out if s/he did not do so. Or perhaps, the couple elects
to use one name over the other because they simply like it
better. The point is, there would be a discussion of the name
changing process, and there would not be an automatic assumption
that the woman changes her last name to that of her husbands.
Why does this matter? Aren't we just word mincing
at this point? It matters because there is immense power in
our words and in our underlying intentions. A spiritual partnership
is a partnership between equals for spiritual growth. How
can the relationship be equal if there is an unconscious perpetuation
of an archetype in which one person in the relationship is
owned by the other person? Even if this is the furthest thing
from you and your partner's mind, that is the archetype that
is being perpetuated when a woman automatically (without a
conscious decision making process) changes her last name to
that of her husbands. Even if a woman elects to change her
last name to that of her husbands, but does so with full understanding
and intention as to the reasons why, it represents a significantly
different energy that is much more in alignment with a spiritual
partnership. I believe that when the name changing process
becomes more "conscious" it will represent a significant shift
in our society to a higher plane of existence. Top One of the most important things we can do
for our relationships, for our children and for our family
and friends, it to put ourselves and our relationship with
God, first. Now, I know putting ourselves first, goes against
every fiber of conditioning we have received as women in our
culture. We have been taught and socialized from a very early
age that the needs of others come before us and that we are
selfish, cold and bad wives, mothers, daughters and friends
if we put our needs above the needs of our family and friends.
However, if we do not put our needs first, ultimately we will
not be there for others. This is true for men as well as women.
I am not advocating ignoring the needs of your
children, partner, family and friends. Your children would
still get fed, they would have clean clothes and a warm bed.
You would still drive them to soccer and hold and love them.
However, you would make an effort to care for yourself, in
some way, every day. There is a shift in consciousness, a
shift in awareness where you know that you and your relationship
with your God Self, are very important, and you are worth
30 minutes a day of quiet time to do whatever you wish. You
are worth leaving the kids with a friend two mornings a week
so you can go workout, do yoga or meditate.
We need to care for ourselves and nurture our
relationship with God, and when we do, we model healthy behavior
for our children. We teach our children that it is important
to care for themselves physically, mentally, emotionally and
spiritually. We are teaching them that it is important to
nurture their God-Selves. We are teaching them Self-empowerment.
And because of them witnessing your behavior, they will be
more apt to care for themselves in this way. They will become
more kind, loving, whole and healthy beings. Their physical,
mental, emotional and spiritual bodies will be well balanced
and integrated. As whole and healthy beings, your children
will naturally attract partners who are equally whole and
healthy.
Neale Donald Walsch in Conversations with
God states that relationships work best when you always
do what is best for you and your God Self. He even goes as
far as saying:
"Let each person in relationship worry
not about the other, but only, only, only about Self [God]…the
most loving person is the person who is Self [God]-centered."
As women especially, we need to start to learn
to take better care of ourselves. There is a helpful book
by Cheryl Richardson called Life Makeovers, which contains
52 practical and inspiring ways to improve your life, one
week at a time. If you would like to learn ways to start caring
for yourself while still balancing your role as worker, partner,
wife, daughter and mother, Cheryl Richardson's book is a wonderful
place to start. Since many of us have been brainwashed, we
must not only learn how to care for ourselves, but we need
to learn what a healthy relationship – what a spiritual
partnership looks like. There are more and more books being
written on this topic, one of which is entitled, Creating
a Spiritual Relationship, by Paul Ferrini. In this book,
Ferrini provides a guide to growth and happiness for couples
on a spiritual path. Top
If our self care and our relationship with
God comes first, what comes second? The next most important
relationship is with your partner or spouse. Your relationship
must become a priority and come before your children. I have
worked with many couples who have put their children before
their relationship. This is a recipe for disaster and can
create a dysfunctional family. When the parents are loving
to each other and present a strong united front, the children
flourish. Having a loving and communicative relationship with
your partner, models a healthy relationship for your children.
It is also important that the children are given a structured
and fair, but not strict, environment where values are taught
and age appropriate responsibility is given.
The people who are in our lives are here to
teach us. They are here to mirror within us our own weaknesses
that need to be healed. According to Universal Laws, we will
attract to us the people in our lives who mirror us. If we
have kind, loving, supportive people in our lives, then most
likely, that is how we feel about ourselves deep down inside,
that is how we treat others and that is how we allow others
to treat us. If deep down inside we don't like ourselves,
feel inadequate, feel a sense of lack or of not being good
enough, then we will attract people in our lives who treat
us poorly in some way.
Often I will meet women who are very kind and
loving toward their family, friends, neighbors, etc., but
they are in an abusive relationship or they attract friends
who are abusive in some way. If this is occurring, this person
probably does not love herself. We attract to us people who
will mirror our strengths and weaknesses. When we are in relationship
with others, whether it is a store clerk, a co-worker or lover,
it is an opportunity for us to grow in some way. We must ask
ourselves, "What am I to learn from this situation?" It is
up to us to heal ourselves. We can get help and assistance
on our healing path, but ultimately we must heal ourselves
and become Self-empowered. Once we are whole we are fully
prepared to enter a healthy spiritual partnership –
one of love and mutual growth. Top
To help you on your path to a healthy relationship,
to follow are summaries of: Characteristics of Healthy
Relationships; Characteristics of Unhealthy Relationships;
How to Enhance Your Relationships; Examples of Care Taking
Behaviors for Couples; and Fair-Fighting Rules.
Characteristics of Healthy Relationships
- Give each other space to grow and express as individuals.
- Communicate by listening without judgment and telling
the truth in a non-blaming way. Sanity begins in a relationship
when both people learn to tell the truth.
- Each person in the relationship takes responsibility
for their own thoughts, feelings and actions. They do
not blame each other for their problems.
- Both people in the relationship work on themselves (personal
growth and development). As a result you will experience
few ego based demands. You will not argue about the inconsequential.
- Don't keep score.
- Feel secure and safe in every situation.
- Are not given to jealousy.
- Do not have "male" and "female" jobs around the house.
Responsibilities of daily living (earning money, taking
care of the children, house chores, etc.) are equally
divided. This division is agreed upon by both people in
the relationship and can be renegotiated as often as needed.
- Love your partner from the inside out (love them for
their kindness, values, etc., not the way they look).
- Hold a high vision of the relationship.
- Hold a high vision of your partner.
- See life as an adventure, always moving, growing, becoming
more.
- Have ease of being together, a high comfort level.
- Respect your partner's differences.
- Give advice only when asked.
- Have fun together.
- Recognize the loving essence of each other.
- Be open, kind and loving to all.
- Always keep your relationship the top priority. This
does not mean you neglect your children, job, or other
responsibilities and relationships, however, a priority
is to keep each other number one in your lives. This is
reflected in how you treat each other, time spent together,
etc.
- Share together in your spiritual life. Walk a similar
path.
- Unconditionally love and support each other. This does
not mean you tolerate any type of abuse (verbal, emotional,
mental, physical or sexual). If your partner is being
abusive, the most loving and supportive thing to do for
you and your partner is to take whatever actions are necessary
to stop the abuse, which sometimes means leaving the relationship
(if your partner refuses to stop and/or get help).
- Come from a place of gratitude in your relationship.
- Remember it is a spiritual law that you cannot honor
another person by betraying yourself.
Top
Characteristics of Unhealthy Relationships
- They exhibit verbal, emotional, physical or sexual
abuse (put the other person down, blame them for everything,
try to convince them they're crazy, criticize and judge
them)
- They lack open and honest communication.
- They fear letting go.
- They feel all consuming.
- They experience little individual growth.
- They fear risk, change and the unknown.
- One partner tries to control or manipulate the other.
- They play psychological games.
- Withhold sex or demand sex.
- They give to get something back.
- They attempt to change the other.
- They need the other person to feel complete.
- They seek solutions outside the self.
- They look to others to affirm their self worth.
- They fear abandonment when routinely separated.
- They manipulate the affections of the children to favor
one partner over the other.
- They put all their energy into the children or work
and leave very little time for the relationship.
- They attempt to take care of the other person's feelings.
- They take the blame for something that is not their
fault.
- They play power games (through use of sex, money, through
the children, etc.)
- They allow others (such as in-laws, other relatives
or close friends) to manipulate and control their lives.
Control and manipulation are much different than receiving
love and support from others, which is perfectly healthy.
References:
A Course in Love (1996) by Joan Gattuso
Creating a Spiritual Relationship (1998)
by Paul Ferrini Top
How to Enhance Your Relationships
- Schedule time each day to check-in. Allowing time to
touch base with each other every day is important. This
can be a few minutes during morning coffee or right before
you go to sleep at night (or anytime that works for you).
- Schedule weekly date nights. It is important to make
your relationship a top priority. Scheduling weekly time
away from the kids helps keep your foundation strong.
- Be specific in communicating. Rather than a general
"I love you," state what you love, "I like it when you
wink at me across the table," or "I don't like it when
I have to wait so long for you to meet me."
- Spend Time Praying of Meditating Together. Maintaining
your spiritual life is essential for a healthy relationship.
- Be natural. Don't put on airs. If you've had a bad
day, don't pretend otherwise. Nobody is happy all the
time. You want a friend who can accept you as you are.
- Be individuals. Do things for yourself sometimes.
The "I can't live without you" attitude can be scary for
the other person.
- Don't be afraid to be alone. Spending some time
apart can enhance personal growth and strengthen your
relationship.
- Don't be afraid to disagree. Disagreeing can
clarify issues and develop closeness through understanding.
- Touch and hold each other. For the sake of touching
and holding. We all need reaffirmation. Touching and holding
can provide that nurturance without being a prelude to
sex.
- Learn to do something together. A sport? A game?
Don't compete. Help each other learn.
- Work together to help someone else. Shovel a
walk together. Push a car out of the snow. A task accomplished
with a team effort can be rewarding and create a bond.
- Play together. Have fun and just enjoy being
with one another.
- Don't expect it to be easy. Solid relationships
are built through good communication and both people working
together – such work takes effort.
- Focus on gratitude. Remember to appreciate each
other and say "thank you" even for little things.
Top
Examples of Caring Behaviors for Couples
Caring, thoughtful and considerate behaviors
need to be individualized for each couple; however, to follow
are some examples. Note that these behaviors are: 1) positive;
2) specific; and 3) "small" behaviors that can be emitted
daily.
- Call me from work
- Ask me how my day was (and listen for my response).
- Let me know approximately what time you'll be home.
- Hold my hand when we go for a walk.
- Give me a kiss goodbye when you leave in the morning.
- Give me a kiss hello when you come home at night.
- Make me coffee/tea or pour me some juice in the morning.
- Pass me the cream and sugar.
- Offer to cook dinner.
- Rub my back.
- Leave me little notes saying that you love me or care
about me.
- Fold the laundry.
- Wash the dishes.
- Offer to proofread a report from work.
- Give me a hug for no particular reason.
- Help the kids with their homework.
- Buy me a little something you know I like (my favorite
candy bar, new paperback from my favorite author, candle,
incense, my favorite bath product, etc.).
- Hold me when we go to sleep at night.
- Offer to grocery shop.
- Offer to take me to the movies.
- 21.When you get out of bed in the morning, gently pull
the covers around me and give me a kiss on the cheek.
- 22.Pack my lunch for work.
- 23.Meet me for lunch during the week.
- 24.Watch the children so I can have a night off.
- 25.Take care of hiring a babysitter so we can go out.
- 26.Draw me a hot bath.
- 27.Play calming, instrumental music at night.
- 28.Offer to get me a glass of water.
- 29.When I look anxious, or stressed, ask, "What can
I do for you?" or "What do you need?"
- 30.Write a letter to me, or get a nice card for me
and send it through the mail.
Top
How to Communicate More Effectively: Practice
for Couples
- Allow time each day to touch base. At night before
you go to bed, or first thing in the morning before you
go to work, take 15 to 30 minutes to check in with each
other about how you're feeling, what your previous day
was like, etc.
- Allow each other to speak without interruption. If
you have a tendency to go on and on, set a 5 minute time
limit for each person.
- Use the "you – me – feel" sandwich. For
example, "When you said "X", it made me
feel "Y." "When you said I'm stupid it made me feel worthless."
- Follow up this sandwich with an action statement. "In
the future, I wish you would convey to me how you feel
without calling me names."
- Practice paraphrasing what the other person said. For
example, "What I hear you saying is that you feel worthless
when I call you stupid and you would prefer if I communicate
what I'm actually feeling. Is that correct?"
- If a conversation escalates into an argument, it is
important to physically separate for at least an hour
to allow both parties to calm down until you can talk
without elevated voices. Whoever has the presence of mind
first, uses a non-verbal signal, such as a "time-out"
hand signal. Both parties agree ahead of time that if
this signal is used, you walk away from each other (do
not follow the other person) and go into separate rooms.
Agree to come back together an hour later to finish the
discussion that was started.
Top
Fair-Fighting Rules
The following is a list of rules for arguing
– fighting – discussing, which when followed often
enables couples to come to quicker and more satisfactory resolution
to the interpersonal conflict which has prompted the fighting
behavior. Reflect for a moment on the behaviors you and your
partner exhibit during fight times which sidetrack your mutual
efforts to arrive at resolution. Then, select from the list
those "rules" which you feel, if used, would make your fights
less stressful and more productive.
I. Pre-Fight Rules
- Make appointment time acceptable to both
- Set time limit
- Define the issue
- Define behavioral changes you would like to see effected
- No fighting on the phone
- No fighting in front of others
- No fighting after/during drinking
- _________________________________
- _________________________________
- _________________________________
II. During-Fight Rules
- No name calling
- No threats
- No teasing
- No accusations
- No "psychologizing" (you did X because Y)
- No cursing
- No changing subject
- No leaving the scene (except to de-escalate)
- No yelling
- No bringing up the past
- No mind-reading ("you think", "you feel", etc.)
- No other people's opinion
- No hitting
- No smoking
- No throwing/destroying objects
- No silencing strategies
- No rhetorical questions
- No interrupting
- No use of Biblical authority
- No generalizations ("always", "never", etc.)
- No lecturing
- Do express your feelings
- No scolding
- Do make very specific requests
- _______________________
III. Post-Fight Rules
- Attain resolution (even if that resolution is to continue
the unfinished fight at a later time).
- Translate the resolution into behaviors which will
or will not occur in the future.
- Acknowledge apologies.
- No post-fight grudges or retaliation.
- ____________________________________
- ____________________________________
- ____________________________________
Top
|
