ACOA Issues

Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACOA) often have certain characteristics and needs due to growing up in a family where an adult (usually one or more parents) were alcoholics. Children who grew up in these environments did the best they could to survive, however, some of their coping skills and characteristics may no longer be serving them.

Dr. Bailey works with adult children of alcoholics to help them develop their strengths and let go of ways of being that no longer serve them. Below are listed some of the typical characteristics of adult children of alcoholics as well as some of the roles played in the family and their needs in recovery.

Typical Characteristics of Adults Who Grew up in an Alcoholic Family

1. They guess at what normal is.
2. They have difficulty following projects through from beginning to end.
3. They lie when it would be just as easy to tell the truth.
4. They judge themselves without mercy.
5. They have difficulty having fun.
6. They take themselves very seriously.
7. They have difficulty with intimate relationships.
8. They overreact to changes over which they have no control.
9. They feel different from other people.
10. They constantly seek approval and affirmation.
11. They are either super responsible or super irresponsible.
12. They are extremely loyal even in the face of evidence that the loyalty is undeserved.
13. They look for immediate, as opposed to delayed, gratification.
14. They lock themselves into a course of action without giving serious consideration to alternate behaviors or possible consequences.
15. They seek tension and crisis and then complain about the results.
16. They avoid conflict or aggravate it; rarely do they deal with it.
17. They fear rejection and abandonment, yet they are rejecting of others.
18. They fear failure, but sabotage their success.
19. They fear criticism and judgment, yet they criticize and judge others.
20. They manage their time poorly and do not set their priorities in a way that works out well for them.

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Needs in Recovery of Adult Members of An Alcoholic Family

Chief Enabler Needs

1. Let go of responsibility.
2. Get in touch with feelings.
3. Refocus on self (wants and needs).
4. Become aware of self-responsibility and let others do the same.
5. Deal with anger without blaming or falling apart.

Strengths: Nurturing, Giving, Loving.

Family Hero Needs

1. Learn to ask for and take what they need.
2. Learn to accept failure.
3. Let down, relax and be.
4. Focus on self and stop "fixing" the family.

Strengths: Hard workers, know how to get what they want.

Family Scapegoat Needs

1. Get through anger to the hurt.
2. Learn to negotiate instead of rebel.

Strengths: Can see reality, has good insight, sensitive and courageous.

Lost Child Needs

1. To reach out.
2. Deal with loneliness.
3. Face pain.
4. Make new close relationships.

Strengths: Patient, creative and independent.

Mascot Needs

1. To take responsibility.
2. Risk being serious.
3. Assertiveness.

Strengths: Humor, know how to enjoy.

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